Recently a friend described a situation as "awkward" and I laughed.
Not because it wasn't true, but because I spent decades developing a resistance to awkwardness. It's not that I don't still feel it, I just have a vast collection of awkwardness to compare against and as a result, I probably disregard awkward feelings more than some.
Because awkward is keeping a chamber pot under the seat of the family van.
Awkward is a family of seven camping inside a Suburban with said chamber pot.
Awkward is bringing the family plunger when you stay at a hotel.
Awkward is showing your grandma your new cotton swim-dress and matching pettipants.
Awkward is being mistaken for a reenactor's child at a historical park because of your dress and sunbonnet.
Awkward is dead flies dropping from the sticky flytape coils above to the kitchen counter when guests are present.
Awkward is being the only one wearing a dress and bloomers at a public beach, or at a swim party.
Awkward is swimming with your brothers in an outdoor hotel pool--you in a blouse and denim skirt with tights, them in rolled-up pajamas.
Awkward is the housekeeping staff gawking when your whole family swims fully-clothed in the indoor pool in the center of the hotel courtyard.
Awkward is abandoning the beach as soon as normally-clad swimmers show up.
Awkward is your mom placing a rolled-up comforter down the middle of the hotel bed to make sure you and your twelve-year-old brother don't touch.
Awkward is your family being invited to someone' home for a meal and your father accepting, then informing the host that your family follows Levitical dietary prohibitions against pork and some seafood.
Awkward is you trying not to enjoy it too much when an elderly relative serves ham anyway and your dad decides it would be more godly to eat it than to refuse.
Awkward is returning and exchanging the Narnia book you won as a Sunday School prize.
Awkward is your mom substituting "special" for "magic" in the poem you are to recite for the kindergarten program.
Awkward is not quite explaining that you're afraid to watch Titanic with your aunt because you heard there was nudity in it. (Because at 23, you've never seen nudity in a movie. So you hide in her guest room with your brother instead.)
Awkward is your family of eight standing and filing out of the church pew during a vocal solo--again. It is standing around the lobby not making eye contact with the ushers and then filing back into the empty row and taking sermon notes as if nothing ever happened.
Awkward is being instructed to write a letter (for "school") to a church family protesting the Halloween party they are hosting for the church at their farm. And wanting to hide from said family every Sunday from then on.
Awkward is looking stupidly at expectant trick-or-treaters who show up at your family's home when you've forgotten that it's even Halloween. What to say?
Awkward is writing a thank-you note for the Christmas gift your parents wouldn't let you open.
Awkward is turning the placemats face-down when celebrating a family milestone at Chinese restaurant.
Awkward is your dad telling the server not to bring fortune cookies.
Awkward is your sister telling you to stop shaking the bed you share, when you're masturbating.
Awkward is explaining to homeschooled friends...
- ...why you aren't allowed to read Anne of Green Gables.
- ...why you don't use Saxon math.
- ...why you don't have a Christmas tree.
Awkward is the cashier saying, "Good luck, whatever you're hoping!" when your virginal self is purchasing a pregnancy test for your mother.
Awkward is forcing a smile back for the cashier's sake and saying, "Thanks!" before driving home in the family Suburban, stomach knotted.
Awkward is asking the restaurant staff to lower/shut off the music. Extra awkward points if you are in a foreign country.
Awkward is not knowing what grade you are in.
Awkward is asking your younger brother if your shirt is "modest".
Awkward is being the adult in charge while your mother gives birth upstairs.
Awkward is waking up to find a test tube of umbilical cord blood in the refrigerator.
Awkward is going to the laundromat with your teenage brother to wash linens from a homebirth, because the ancient septic system at home has given up.
Awkward is being wedged between your grown brothers in a car back seat while wearing shorts for the first time as an adult.
Awkward is being a university student and not knowing the name of even one of the Beatles.
Awkward is trying to make out with your fiance without letting your lips touch.
Awkward is a plane ride with your new fiance, wondering when he wants to hold your hand for the first time.
Awkward is saying goodbye to a good friend without touching them.
Awkward is being the only single girl at church:
- with bangs,
- or wearing jewelry,
- or not wearing a headcovering.
Awkward is church leaders asking your family not to attend anymore. More awkward is still running into their family members socially.
Awkward is a family friend coming to the door and your mom only talking to him through the nearby window.
Awkward is reading your teenage diary, or your family's old Christmas letters.
Awkward is standing in the moonlight gazing down at the Golden Gate Bridge on the cusp of turning 21, with your... dad.
Awkward is realizing you were once a bridesmaid in a gay man's wedding.
Awkward is being "caught" watching a Jimmy Stewart movie with your college-age friends and fellow cult members--and trying to figure out how to apologize to whom for what.
Awkward is your toddler deciding that a dinner with company from church is the place to share her [limited] knowledge of penises.
Awkward is realizing that your wedding photos are too triggering to display anymore.
Awkward is explaining to a classmate who saw you having a full-fledged panic attack on the side of the road minutes earlier.
A photograph may capture a memory, but awkwardness sears the deeper emotional experience into the brain. And that's not always a bad thing!
We love to watch how others manage awkward situations--in sitcoms like Seinfeld, for example, where Kramer seems impervious to embarrassment, while George appears to lean in to it. And the more uncomfortable the scenario, the better we remember the episode, grateful that it isn't happening to us. My daughter used to cringe when we watched The Andy Griffith Show, Barney Fife's character embodying her worst fears of humiliation. Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean is even better, completely and, yes, awkwardly, unaware of how horribly uncomfortable he is making everyone around him.
So, a little awkwardness? Sure, it's an inevitable part of trying new things, having complex relationships, living a full life. We encourage our kids not to fear harmless awkwardness, and sometimes they give us surprising opportunities to model the nonchalance we preach. While embarrassment might make my face redden for a few minutes, I'm a lot more resilient than I think!
I have been marching my way through you blog (and only halfway through). I am saying this for the first time to anyone other then my wife (and my witch-doctor)... I am a survivor of ATIA. I am a retired vet (yes 33 y/o retired) going through combat related PTSD treatment, and my mental-heath "witch-doctor" suggested today that I see if there are others like me out there. It wasnt something I had ever considerd...and until today, I honestly thought, I alone was messed up. I failed my parents (haven't spoken to them in since 16Jan2001, the day I joined the Army), I ruined my family... ect. My wife can not fathom the childhood I had, and at times she thinks I am making it up... but not anymore.
I want to thank you, I have been in a very dark place as of late... but I recived a gift today. You and yours have given me the gift of hope... that maybe it will be all be alright in the end.
As of now, I have finished every entry you have made. I didn't know there were others out there haveing the same battles I have with my upbringing. The stories, the inner thoughts, fears, shame, conflicts... it's amazing. I have bookmarked a few sites you have mentioned throughout to tap into later.
I haven't "googled" or researched ATI since I left home in 2001... I wanted to push it all into a dark hole never to be found. Then yesterday, just before going to work for the night, I opened my phone and searched (at the behest of my "witch-doctor")... and yours was the third site I opened, but first that didnt seem "pro-ATI"... and it confirmed things that I thought were, perhaps, just "fake"(or overblowen) memories.
I can imagine you have shed these tears before, but tonight was the first time I ever have. A few hours ago(0430), My wife getting ready for work and found me in a sobbing fit because of my nights reading. (The sight is a little more sorry then it seems... A 72", 250lbs Ex-NCO crying like a baby all over his NCO wife's uniform before she goes to work) I just never knew or imagined there were/could more out there like me, I just didnt.
Someday I hope that the gods (figuratively speaking) reward you and yours for the help, and hope your story has given me today.
Now I must sleep,
Fort Leavenworth, KS.
Thanks for sharing, Hammer; this means so much! Best of luck as you begin a new phase of recovery. You are so not alone.Delete
No, Hammer, you are not alone. You are not alone at all. There are many out there - the internet is a great blessing in that respect, allowing the silenced to have a voice at last. Abusive parenting wrapped up in the sanction of abusive religion is toxic. PTSD is its own mess. I wish you all the kindness you missed out on before.Delete
-From another military family in Kansas.
Is common for followers of ATI not to put up Christmas Trees?ReplyDelete