Saturday, August 31, 2013

Obsessive Confusion

I am reading through a journal I kept when I was fourteen. Some entries make me smile; others just make me shake my head. I have posted here about how isolated I was as a homeschooled adolescent, but some memories shock me even now. I'm glad my daughter will never be able to relate to my teenage self:
"You know, I’m kinda strange. It’s been over a year since I've talked directly and individually with a teenage guy, excepting the time I found out Greg S----’s name."
The result, of course, was that I obsessed for weeks anytime a boy at church smiled a greeting in the hall or said "good night" before heading to the parking lot.

I would go home and study passages about "holiness" and make lists of things I thought God wanted me to do to remain "pure", such as:

  • keep my knees covered
  • wear only necklaces with short chains
  • wear sleeves to my elbows
  • "use lace sparingly"

Then I would weep the next week because I saw a guy from the youth group wearing an earring. 

I was so lonely.

So confused.

And so obsessed with not acknowledging my sexuality, even to myself.

1 comment:

  1. I knew a young lady who recalled an experience she had while getting a lesser degree at a college, after she had been homeschooled and isolated her entire childhood. She was seated alone in the college cafeteria or common area, having lunch or a drink or what-have-you, and a young man came and sat at her table. He seemed a nice fellow to her and not unattractive. He greeted her. She experienced genuine fear and without a word to the boy got up and walked away.

    I remember also the fear I saw across her face anytime she asked her father a question or indeed any time she spoke to him at all. I don't doubt that she loved him, but it wasn't love I principally saw on her face, when she interacted with him. It was nervousness at its mildest moments.

    Touching post.