"You know, I’m kinda strange. It’s been over a year since I've talked directly and individually with a teenage guy, excepting the time I found out Greg S----’s name."The result, of course, was that I obsessed for weeks anytime a boy at church smiled a greeting in the hall or said "good night" before heading to the parking lot.
I would go home and study passages about "holiness" and make lists of things I thought God wanted me to do to remain "pure", such as:
- keep my knees covered
- wear only necklaces with short chains
- wear sleeves to my elbows
- "use lace sparingly"
Then I would weep the next week because I saw a guy from the youth group wearing an earring.
I was so lonely.
And so obsessed with not acknowledging my sexuality, even to myself.